Freedom, Insanity, Boredom.

So I got rid of Discord, and I chucked shit like Twitter into the stratosphere. On one hand, I feel significantly more free. On the other? I’m significantly more irratable, lonely, and bored.

Irritable, because I’ve had nothing but complaints from people. “Wah, we don’t want a whole new program to conversate with you. Wah, we’re too lazy to ask our fellow friends to move, unlike you. Wah, what’s wrong with Discord anyway? Wah, even after Twitter went to shit, people still use it, so why can’t we just use Discord?”

To which I respond: “Tough shit; Learn to communicate, then; A whole laundry list of complaints of which I’ve detailed to you before; Because being complacent is the whole reason people stayed.”, in that order.

Every time someone has said something to me (with ONE exception, appreciate you U5ER), they always sneak in a “you should have kept dc man”. Every time, I try to be nice and just say no & move on, but I have an overwhelming urge to tell the next person who says that to kick rocks. It’s damn annoying, and you’re not going to change my mind by repeating the same phrase again and again.

Lonely, because I could only convince a few people to jump the fence with me. Those few people have been nothing but supportive of the idea, but even then when they jumped over with me, we haven’t communicated as much. I suppose people are just busy, which is fair! They have more than just me to talk to, but I really don’t have anyone to talk to except them, and I’ve been filling that void by playing tf2 and l4d2. Doesn’t really feel as fun as sitting in a voice chat and laughing at the insanity unfold, but it’s something.

Boredom, since playing tf2 and l4d2 as your only mental escapes really gets samey after a while. I miss being able to supplement them with a Minecraft SMP w/ friends or something, now I just sit in my room and no-life, occasionally make music, and refuse to do anything else with my time. Its gotten so bad that I’ve returned to scrolling 4chan on the daily while rotting away in bed. The new Deltarune release put a temporary hold on it, but tbh it’s only going to help for so long before I end up deeper in this hole.

Jesus F. Christ, I hate how I can tell I’m actively hurting myself but refuse to do anything about it. Is it self-harm? Maybe mentally. Physically? Depends on how I eat, I suppose. I’ve been going on walks and such, yet simultaneously I’ll eat nothing but microwave meals, lunchables, and drinking nothing but water and the occasional zero-sugar 7-up.

Something is wrong. Freedom shouldn’t be like this. I’ve been told its because I think more rationally rather than emotionally, but I’m not even sure right now. It feels like there’s two separate forces, each prioritizing one or the other, not really just the one. It fucking sucks, too, because that’s just another weight put on me that I play tf2 to try and not think about, therefore making the whole cycle worse.

Matrix is really fucking good, Revolt isn’t federated, but for people who don’t want to think, it would probably be the next closest thing for a replacement. Knowing the masses though, they will all pick something closed-source that looks and feels nice, but will over time become worse and worse. Just like Skype, just like Discord. And I can’t blame them! I used to BE part of the masses. But it’s so god damn annoying, when people refuse to believe there’s something wrong, until its too late.

God, I fucking hate being right, it sucks.